Benny's Adventures

The Weight of Uncertainty

What is the problem? I don’t know what to do!

Life is good. If you see me nitpicking at aspects of my life don’t think otherwise. I’m fully cognizant of fortune I have been bestowed. However I am not one to remain content because I would rather work to improve rather than stagnate.

To that extent it’s unclear as to which direction I should proceed. My commitments include my job as an engineer, my membership of the band Sonic Groove, and tutoring a high school student in Geo/Trig. My desires are diverse and include learning to draw, continuing to write more pieces, meeting new people, and experiencing new things. If I’m more focused I can efficiently direct the energy I have into a few things. However, with a diverse set of interests and commitments I am starting to feel stretched thin and unsure of which ones to focus on.

Questions of the status quo aside (why do we need a job anyway?), the inability to decide for sure what to pursue starts to take its toll and I’m noticing it crop up as idleness. Do I want to accomplish more goals in the video game, try to cook a new dish, or clean up the kitchen? All three are useful and/or desirable to me. If I try to do all three not much gets done in each category. I could focus on one but then what happens to the others? I can’t choose and end up sitting around doing nothing as a result.

How am I trying to solve it? Well, this is a start…

To really figure out what I want to do I need to find some time to take a step back and put myself in an entirely new context for perspective. Thanksgiving is coming up and the days off it affords will hopefully give me a chance to do that. There’s also this – as I mentioned before in my musings about what blogging does for me, writing and trying to convey my thoughts is a catalyst for understanding what’s going on in my head.

I have a sneaking suspicion that while most of my life is going well there are certain aspects that I’m struggling with and that looms over the good parts. For example, making friends in the “real world” is difficult and the social void is a drain of energy.

Another drain is trying to cater to an audience that likely doesn’t exist. I came into this blog with the idea of becoming successful at some point. I tried to mimic what the popular blogs did. You know what? That’s just not me. While there’s definitely room for development, change, and growth… the way most popular blogs just work is not something that works for me.

And thus, my personality comes out.

I need to nurture the parts of me that give me energy. If I’m going to keep writing in the blog, it needs to be what I think. This isn’t my job, so I’m not going to treat it like it.

What exactly does that mean? Well you’ll probably start seeing my analytical side come out more. I sit and think a lot. You’ll also see some of my rougher edges. For example, there are a lot of things in this world that just piss me off, as you may have gotten a glimpse of when I ranted about drivers in Salem. To be frank at this rate a lot of my posts will probably come off as angry.

Of course, the other thing you could see is engineering. I tend to suppress that because it’s not “cool” to talk about it. But you know… it’s me. And if it doesn’t fly with somebody reading it’s no skin off my shoulders.

And yet a part of me yearns for popularity, for fame, for everything that could be considered superficial indicators of success. My humanity can’t be contained in the confines of any of my life circumstances. I dream big, I crave big, I need more! More more more! But what exactly do I want?

This is where I sigh. And then sigh again.

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16 November 2011 - Posted by | Life |

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